How can we feel good about ourselves? First things first, start by asking yourself these simple questions: “I’ll be happy when ___ happens. I’ll be able to relax once ____. Things will settle down after ____. I’ll be able to focus on what I want when____. Once I pay down my debt/get my finances in order then____.”
Therein lies the core of why many of us struggle at some point or another with feeling good about ourselves.
So what do your circumstances have to do with feeling good about yourself? Actually, nothing, but it has everything to do with your perspective of these circumstances.
Goals
When I asked a few hundred people what was the most important goal in their life, the most common response was that they simply wanted to feel good about themselves. I found It was so interesting that something so simple, for many, felt so unattainable. It led me to think back to the days where I would wake up with overwhelming dread, living day in and day out with this distant hope that one of these days I’d magically arrive at some elusive destination where I’d be happy. I could get off the hamster wheel, and I’d actually love who I was and be happy with what I achieved. Years turned into decades and I chased that pipe dream until one day something within me awoke. Just a seed of a realization, but it was there and it was the catalyst to transforming my journey from dread to joy.
It started with the realization that no matter what I did, how much I accomplished, how many friends I had, there was one seemingly harmless yet detrimental perspective that haunted me everywhere I went… it was “I’ll be happy when….”. Sure the “what” got upgraded regularly, but I was in a never-ending race to this imaginary finish line. Every time I crossed it, there was the next thing that needed to happen before I could enjoy more joy.
Lightbulb moment!
I lived my entire life this way up to about a decade ago when a light switch went on with the help of a half-ton truck. Big goals turned into tiny goals. My accomplishment of becoming a branch manager of a multi-million dollar firm by age thirty was suddenly trumped by a daily goal of pushing through the painful process of getting out of bed and dressed for work. My executive leather office chair was downgraded to a medicine ball. In retrospect, it was just what I needed to shift my long-held perspective of life, my priorities, my desires and my self-worth. Thankfully, I’ve discovered a much more joyful way of gaining clarity (Thank God!), none the less, I am grateful for the wisdom that my healing journey offered me.
This is what I know for sure:
“I’ll be happy when _____” never shows up… Joy lives in the NOW, you will never find it if you are expecting it to show up at some magical point in time. Joy is a state of being, actually, it’s your natural state of being. What’s happened is your natural state of joy is smothered under imposed expectations, criticisms, judgements and negative self-talk to name few. Not to mention your accumulated baggage from life’s bumps and bruises.
So how do you let your inner joy shine through into your daily state of being?
The first step is to stop and take a serious yet compassionate look at your internal dialogue. The most common thing I come across when we dive into the subconscious with my clients is how often they say to themselves through the day “that was stupid” or a variation thereof.
Ask yourself, why don’t you feel good about yourself in the first place? What’s the imaginary scale that you are judging yourself by and at what point do you have to reach before you’ll give yourself permission to stop judging and comparing and start to feel good about yourself?
What to do next
Here are some more suggestions and questions to ask yourself which will shed some light on developing your capacity to feel good about yourself.
- Are you an over-doer or an over-giver? If so, are you on the receiving end of your own generosity?
- What is really important to YOU?
- Do you use self-criticism as a way to stay motivated?
Start with those and let me know how you make out, becoming aware of what’s holding you back from feeling good about yourself is the first step to overcoming it.
If you’d like to understand more about how your perspective and mindset is creating your reality, check out the Dream Life Mastermind group for more on how to access your birthright to abundant joy. Or get in touch with me directly to start your journey.
Shine on!
Anik J. Malenfant
Transformational Mentor, Educator & Speaker
